The night was capped off by some unexpected hilarity courtesy of Fox. We tuned in maybe 7 or 10 minutes after the ball dropped, mainly because the programming on NBC and ABC was complete crap. I must be getting old, because I had no idea who most of the "stars" on it were, and we were thoroughly WTFed at people like Kelli Pickler (I barely know who she is -- just that she was on American Idol -- but her glitter eyeshadow made me wonder if she was trying to be a Cullen) and the Emilie de Ravin lookalike (who the hell was she???) up there with Ryan Seacrest being all, "OMG THIS IS A LIFE-CHANGING MOMENT FOR ME! THIS IS THE MOST MEANINGFUL MOMENT OF MY LIFE! I WILL NEVER FORGET THIS!"
...Dude. It's Times Square. There's an assload of people. It's fucking freezing out. And while those are three fairly extreme things, I would hope that these chicks had more significant experiences in their lives than that, like...oh, I don't know, singing in front of millions of people as an American Idol contender? And...um...looking like Emilie de Ravin? Yeah, I don't know, but seriously, hasn't she ever done volunteer work or seen a rainbow or turned out an amazing performance or done anything more life changing than gabbing on a microphone in the freezing cold while surrounded by thousands of drunk people on national television?
Anyway, so, not being interested in hearing the Jonas Brothers sing and all that, we switched to Fox. And there was this host guy who looked like he was hired straight off of some really low-budget reality series, like a CW ripoff of Cheaters or something, and he's interviewing some really ripped shirtless dude who looks like he just stepped off a romance novel cover and a heavily made up skinny chick with voluminous auburn hair and large boobs who looked like she just got off work at any of Vegas's strip joints. For a moment, I questioned whether I had tuned in during some weird elimination ceremony of a reality show; maybe Fox was showing When Strippers Attack 2 instead of New Year's programming? But no, according to my channel guide, it was New Year's in Las Vegas. Which...sort of explained things, but not really, because it was just that sketchy.
I still have no idea what that part of the show was, especially since they said something about the guy stripping down to a G-string in his show, and then when he walked away he was wearing assless jeans, so there was a little cartoon circle (that, if I recall correctly, said, "Happy New Year's!" inside it, but I might be making that up) over his butt, and the low-budget-looking host was all, "Oh my goodness, assless chaps, I don't know if you can show that on live TV!"
But as awesome as all that was, it is not the awesomeness of which I speak. That awesomeness was the build-up to Robbie Knievel's jump over the Mirage volcano, wherein the announcer, accompanied by low-budget graphics, gave about five to seven different scenarios in which Robbie Knievel could become severely injured or die a gruesome death. He was all, "...and in this scenario, if Robbie Knievel makes the jump too late and the pyrotechnic people release the fire too early, he will go through the fire and crashland, bouncing ten times and suffering crippling injuries in addition to devastating and life-threatening burns!" And then you see the graphic of a motorcycle speeding up the ramp, catching fire in the volcano, and crashing multiple times. The last scenario was the absolute best one, in which Robbie Knievel falls INTO the volcano. The announcer actually called it a "deathride" scenario, if I recall correctly, and he said that Robbie Knievel would die from ghastly burns all over his lungs, something like that. I was dying of laughter and had to replay the last scenario (via DVR capabilities) because my dad was in the bathroom at the time, and it was something that truly had to be witnessed.
And then, of course, Robbie Knievel had no problem making the jump, so the whole thing was totally anticlimactic and didn't look difficult at all when it was over. GOD, we need more programming like this.
Anyway, I'm going to scrape up what sleep I can, since Meghan is still waking up way more often than she should because of the teething pain. I wish you all a wonderful New Year's Day as well as a brilliant 2009! &hearts