Sarah Palin: Hello?
Edward: Sarah. It's Edward. I know it's been a long time since my last correspondence, but I really needed --
S: Edward? Edward Cullen? Listen, it's...wonderful to hear from you, but now is not the best time. I've got --
E: Sarah, please forgive me for intruding so suddenly like this, but I have a situation I must beseech you for help with.
S: Edward, I'd really like to catch up with you, but as I said, now is not the best time. I don't know if you've heard, but John McCain has chosen me to be his running mate, and between that and some...um, personal domestic problems that have recently come to the attention of --
E: I know all about it, Sarah. About Bristol and her pregnancy. And I think I might have a solution...one that would relieve me of a burden as well. A terrible burden that would be weighing down my very heart and soul if I were not a heartless and soulless monster, a creature doomed to --
S: Look, I've got an interview in several minutes. Could you just get to the point, please?
E: Sarah...I loved you, and there is no doubt in my mind that you will always possess a piece of my heart, were but I had a heart, and --
S: Edward. The point, please.
E: Right. Okay. Sarah, I am a married man now. A wonderful, freesia-scented princess named Bella Swan has captured my non-existent heart -- sans the hypothetical piece you will always possess, of course -- and I married her. She is now carrying my child.
S: That's great news, Edward! Congratulations! But...I fail to see the problem, here.
E: It's the pregnancy. I never should have consummated our relationship before --
S: Ah, premarital sex. Look, there are ways to get around the problem, Edward. Lord knows I've -- Well, anyway, when the baby comes, just say it was premature. And a big baby on top of that. You're tall. People will believe it.
E: Good heavens, Sarah, do you think I am a heathen like my brother Emmett? I would never have had premarital sex! My non-existent soul is already resting on precarious ground, and I fear I should never make it to an afterlife. Of course, being undead, it is highly unlikely that I shall ever leave this world in the first place, but --
S: Edward. Please get on with it.
E: I was. You were the one who cut me off that last time!
S: Right, sorry about that. Carry on, please.
E: Anyway, I should never have consummated our relationship before making Bella a vampire. Now my love is carrying our child, but the pregnancy is killing her. The baby is inhumanly strong, and Bella is weakening by the minute. There is no way she will make it through the delivery; she is a delicate flower, and she would certainly be unable to withstand the chewing of her uterus from within. Should she die, I shall have no recourse but to travel back to Italy and commit sparklicide, for I will be devastated and heartbroken. I cannot exist without her.
S: *is silent for a moment* Edward, that sounds terrible. But I don't know how I can help you. It's not like I can pass a law against fetal uterus munching, and even if I could, I'm not the vice-president yet, so the law would apply only in Alaska, and you would have to bring your wife here. I'm...really sorry.
E: But there is a way you can help. A way that would benefit you and your family and your political aspirations.
S: If there is, I'm not seeing it.
E: *sighs with chagrin* Now that Bella has had a taste of potential motherhood, she wants a child. I tried to get this guy who has a desperate crush on her to agree to father a new baby with her, but --
S: And what about the one she's knocked up with right now?
E: ...Let us not speak of that part. I know how you feel about these things.
E: Anyway, Bella wants a baby. And Bristol has a baby whom I imagine she does not want, a baby that is causing your family much embarrassment in the media and possibly hurting your political aspirations, and the Republican Party as a whole. Perhaps we could...arrange something.
S: ...Edward, I knew your multiple Harvard educations meant you were smart, but...holy crow, you are a genius! If only you had come up with this idea when she was pregnant with...ahem. Anyway. It's a wonderful idea, and it will solve both of our problems! I've got to go now, but I'll call you in a few months, and we'll make more detailed arrangements then.
E: I'm so glad this will work out. Your grandchild will have a wonderful home and will want for nothing. And I'll make sure to send you scrapbooks for each year of his or her life. ...Raising your grandchild will be like having a piece of you after all.
S: Thank you, Edward. You were always so thoughtful.
E: No, thank you, Sarah. If I had a heart, you would have relieved it of its burden. And good luck with the campaign.
S: Thank you. Perhaps sometime in the future, our families can go hunting together. And please give Emmett my best and...and tell him I've got several fingers through my bangs. He'll know what I mean.
E: Will do. Goodbye, Sarah.
Trig Paxson Van Cullen has a nice ring to it, dontcha think? Anyway, nothing's worse than Renesmee.