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10 September 2008 @ 11:07 pm
Three letters from an irritated mommy  
Dear Scary, Creepy Fisher-Price Laugh 'n' Learn Dog Doll,

Yes, you. You're creeping me the hell out. It's bad enough that you have the most annoying voice ever, one that reeks of a poor man's Julie Andrews who's trying way too hard to get the part of Annie in a local theater production (yes, it's a mixed metaphor; get over it), particularly when you sing the alphabet, "Do Your Ears Hang Low?", and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." And it was even more irritating that you shouted "YOU'RE MY FRIEND!" at me in your cutesy-tootsy voice when I was putting you away. Yes, that was my fault; I shouldn't have pressed on your whatever body part it is that makes you say that. It was an accident.

But did you then have to demand, "HUG ME!" a good five to ten seconds after I had set you down? I DIDN'T TOUCH YOU! IT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD THAT YOU SAY THINGS WITHOUT BEING TOUCHED! I particularly didn't appreciate it because I was already in a shitty mood from having to put my daughter through a bout of "cry it out."

The only reason I keep you around is because my daughter thinks you're hilarious. But when you've worn out your welcome, know that you will be locked away in a closet, and if I ever so much as hear a PEEP out of you before I (reluctantly, oh so reluctantly) bring you back out when child #2 comes along, I WILL DE-BATTERY YOU AND LET MY REAL DOG RIP YOU TO SHREDS.

Best wishes,
Miss Sophia


Dear Whatever Truck It Is That Is Making That Humming and Lifting Noise Down the Street,

I will scratch you the hell up with my husband's Santoku knife if you wake up my daughter. I don't know why you are making all of this noise when it is past 11 pm. Somebody better be having an urgent power outage or something. I suspect you are doing construction in the little cloverleaf area of the highway exit not too far from me. And while I appreciate that you are doing this construction at night instead of during rush hour, I repeat, I WILL CUT A BITCH IF YOU WAKE UP MY DAUGHTER.

Please die,
Miss Sophia


Dear Mom,

In case you have any lingering guilt over the times that you left me to cry it out when I was a baby who had sleep problems similar to your granddaughter's, I want to formally state that I absolve you of all of it and do not hold a thing against you. So, for all of the times that I cried and flailed around and you sat crying by my crib feeling like the worst mother in the world, you were not. And I hope one day Meghan says this to me, because it feels like shit to sit there and do nothing while your baby cries, but I don't know what else to do. Giving her the breast just to help her fall back asleep less than an hour after she ate and went to bed is not helping her learn to sleep properly, and everything else (e.g., rocking, singing, walking, back patting, pacifier) fails at soothing her. I know you went through the same thing with me, so just know that you are absolutely, 100% forgiven (if you felt you needed to be; I know I do) and karma -- mine, that is -- is a bitch.

Your daughter
Current Mood: spent
Miss Sophia: Rufus - *sigh*miss_sophia on September 11th, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
I make up for it by bringing her in bed and sleeping late (which I genuinely do enjoy -- at least, the snuggling part...I could easily ditch sleeping late, since I hate wasting good daylight hours), so I think it's the frustration that is really doing me in. It's just ridiculous for her to wake up every few hours. I appreciate that she typically gives me three, and sometimes four, hours between wakeups, but...come on, she's almost six months old.

The problem is, I don't think ANYONE can relieve me, unless they want to sacrifice their breast. Because at this point, I think that hunger is only part of it. I don't mind feeding her if she is genuinely hungry. I'll take a wakeup per night without complaining. One wakeup. I'm not expecting her to sleep 13 hours straight like Maddie. But six or seven (hours, not wakeups, that is!), CONSISTENTLY, would be nice. I'll gladly feed her if she's hungry after that period. But I think she just wants the breast to comfort her, and no one can offer that but me. And I think it's an offer I'm going to be rescinding (not breastfeeding in general, of course, but just boob-for-comfort).

But I appreciate your offer. I just don't think you have what she wants...and I'd have to sleep in the basement, because if I heard her cries, I'd wake up and not be able to sleep. Damn biology.

Edited at 2008-09-11 04:08 am (UTC)
Spicedogs: HangInTherespicedogs on September 11th, 2008 04:26 am (UTC)
Just appreciate her as she is. She will grow up to be just like you: a wonderful person.

DAmn iphone keypad sucks.