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10 September 2008 @ 11:07 pm
Three letters from an irritated mommy  
Dear Scary, Creepy Fisher-Price Laugh 'n' Learn Dog Doll,

Yes, you. You're creeping me the hell out. It's bad enough that you have the most annoying voice ever, one that reeks of a poor man's Julie Andrews who's trying way too hard to get the part of Annie in a local theater production (yes, it's a mixed metaphor; get over it), particularly when you sing the alphabet, "Do Your Ears Hang Low?", and "The Itsy Bitsy Spider." And it was even more irritating that you shouted "YOU'RE MY FRIEND!" at me in your cutesy-tootsy voice when I was putting you away. Yes, that was my fault; I shouldn't have pressed on your whatever body part it is that makes you say that. It was an accident.

But did you then have to demand, "HUG ME!" a good five to ten seconds after I had set you down? I DIDN'T TOUCH YOU! IT'S CREEPY AND WEIRD THAT YOU SAY THINGS WITHOUT BEING TOUCHED! I particularly didn't appreciate it because I was already in a shitty mood from having to put my daughter through a bout of "cry it out."

The only reason I keep you around is because my daughter thinks you're hilarious. But when you've worn out your welcome, know that you will be locked away in a closet, and if I ever so much as hear a PEEP out of you before I (reluctantly, oh so reluctantly) bring you back out when child #2 comes along, I WILL DE-BATTERY YOU AND LET MY REAL DOG RIP YOU TO SHREDS.

Best wishes,
Miss Sophia


Dear Whatever Truck It Is That Is Making That Humming and Lifting Noise Down the Street,

I will scratch you the hell up with my husband's Santoku knife if you wake up my daughter. I don't know why you are making all of this noise when it is past 11 pm. Somebody better be having an urgent power outage or something. I suspect you are doing construction in the little cloverleaf area of the highway exit not too far from me. And while I appreciate that you are doing this construction at night instead of during rush hour, I repeat, I WILL CUT A BITCH IF YOU WAKE UP MY DAUGHTER.

Please die,
Miss Sophia


Dear Mom,

In case you have any lingering guilt over the times that you left me to cry it out when I was a baby who had sleep problems similar to your granddaughter's, I want to formally state that I absolve you of all of it and do not hold a thing against you. So, for all of the times that I cried and flailed around and you sat crying by my crib feeling like the worst mother in the world, you were not. And I hope one day Meghan says this to me, because it feels like shit to sit there and do nothing while your baby cries, but I don't know what else to do. Giving her the breast just to help her fall back asleep less than an hour after she ate and went to bed is not helping her learn to sleep properly, and everything else (e.g., rocking, singing, walking, back patting, pacifier) fails at soothing her. I know you went through the same thing with me, so just know that you are absolutely, 100% forgiven (if you felt you needed to be; I know I do) and karma -- mine, that is -- is a bitch.

Your daughter
Current Mood: spent
Spicedogs: Cryingspicedogs on September 11th, 2008 03:37 am (UTC)
I feel your pain, honey.

Put your headset on and listen to this:


You are not alone.
Miss Sophia: Meghan - Sweet potato smilemiss_sophia on September 11th, 2008 03:49 am (UTC)
Oh, man. That really, truly says it all.

As does your icon.

Spicedogs: Lady in Waitingspicedogs on September 11th, 2008 03:52 am (UTC)
Parenting is one of the hardest and most rewarding (you will find it later on) jobs I ever handled.

Now, onto something more funny: Jack did warn you about that toy. LOL>

He can come and live with us for a while.
Miss Sophia: Hermione says boys are so stupidmiss_sophia on September 11th, 2008 03:56 am (UTC)
I just really look forward to mornings where I go into her room and smile and say, "Good morning, sunshine!" and am thrilled to see her wonderful morning smile instead of mornings where I'm exhausted and annoyed and go in all irritated and say, "...when are you going to learn to sleep properly? Mommy is TIIIIIRED."

And yes, Jack did warn me about the toy. I blame this on Jeni.

Yes, you can take the toy, and whenever Master Po gets on your case, just press its hand or foot or whatever and make it go, "GOT MY NOSE! *jinglejanglejingle*! He won't know what to do with that. It's the Fisher-Price version of posting random cat macros.
Spicedogsspicedogs on September 11th, 2008 03:58 am (UTC)
Oh, my... You are tired. Maybe I should spend one night over the weekend over at your house and release you from night duty.
Miss Sophia: Rufus - *sigh*miss_sophia on September 11th, 2008 04:07 am (UTC)
I make up for it by bringing her in bed and sleeping late (which I genuinely do enjoy -- at least, the snuggling part...I could easily ditch sleeping late, since I hate wasting good daylight hours), so I think it's the frustration that is really doing me in. It's just ridiculous for her to wake up every few hours. I appreciate that she typically gives me three, and sometimes four, hours between wakeups, but...come on, she's almost six months old.

The problem is, I don't think ANYONE can relieve me, unless they want to sacrifice their breast. Because at this point, I think that hunger is only part of it. I don't mind feeding her if she is genuinely hungry. I'll take a wakeup per night without complaining. One wakeup. I'm not expecting her to sleep 13 hours straight like Maddie. But six or seven (hours, not wakeups, that is!), CONSISTENTLY, would be nice. I'll gladly feed her if she's hungry after that period. But I think she just wants the breast to comfort her, and no one can offer that but me. And I think it's an offer I'm going to be rescinding (not breastfeeding in general, of course, but just boob-for-comfort).

But I appreciate your offer. I just don't think you have what she wants...and I'd have to sleep in the basement, because if I heard her cries, I'd wake up and not be able to sleep. Damn biology.

Edited at 2008-09-11 04:08 am (UTC)
Spicedogs: HangInTherespicedogs on September 11th, 2008 04:26 am (UTC)
Just appreciate her as she is. She will grow up to be just like you: a wonderful person.

DAmn iphone keypad sucks.
E McGeemelusinahp on September 11th, 2008 08:51 am (UTC)

I sympathise with pretty much all of that, especially about creepy puppy doll.
Miss Sophia: Writing with Quillmiss_sophia on September 13th, 2008 01:32 am (UTC)
Thanks! :) Seriously, if I ever make a horror movie with a scary jack-in-the-box-type doll, that abomination will be the thing that pops up out of the box.
née sous une: mommauvaise_etoile on September 11th, 2008 11:21 am (UTC)
Oh, dude, we have that puppy too and the buttons are SO sensitive that sometimes when it's in the toy bin that sits by the TV and there is a lot of bassy type sounds (surround sound), it goes off.
Miss Sophia: Writing with Quillmiss_sophia on September 13th, 2008 01:33 am (UTC)
Holy crap, OK, mine hasn't done that yet, but if it does, I will be even more freaked out!!!
see what he's picked up in the parkhikaru on September 11th, 2008 12:45 pm (UTC)
We bought that puppy for our nephew, though we bought him the Spanish version (my husband's family still mostly lives in Venezuela -- I think it would have made more sense to buy the English one, so he could start young at learning both languages, but oh well). Anyway, that thing was cute at first, but when it would start going off when you just even looked in its direction, it started getting pretty creepy. It was still making noises when they stuffed it in their suitcase to leave... it's amazing the thing even got through Customs without anyone being suspicious.
Miss Sophia: Writing with Quillmiss_sophia on September 13th, 2008 01:34 am (UTC)
Ha, now I'm imagining that creepy thing speaking in Spanish. "Tu es mon amigo!" (I don't speak Spanish; that's the best I can do while being lazy and not going to Babelfish.)
see what he's picked up in the parkhikaru on September 15th, 2008 02:29 am (UTC)
I don't speak Spanish either, so the puppy was as much a learning tool for me as it was for the nephew. All I know is that the thing was dang creepy after a while.
The Cee Monstersagacious_c on September 12th, 2008 12:34 am (UTC)
Your karma comment made me nervous; my mom was in labor with me for 48 hours. I really hope there is no karmic or genetic propensity for me to have to go through that long a delivery when/if I have kids... My brother was a comparatively quick 24 hours for her. AY YI YI.

I'm sorry your wee one is still not sleeping well!
Miss Sophia: Writing with Quillmiss_sophia on September 13th, 2008 01:35 am (UTC)
Wow, 48 hours is A LOT. I was in labor for 24 hours, but only 10 of those hours were bad -- REALLY bad. They just might have been the 10 longest hours of my life! Go do something nice for your mom now; maybe you can shave a few minutes off your potential future labor! :P
From the land between Wake and Dream.: SMAngels in Flight - kudejusea_thoughts on September 13th, 2008 09:56 pm (UTC)
Hugs for you. *sings a lullaby to you*
Miss Sophia: Meghan - Sweet potato smilemiss_sophia on September 14th, 2008 04:34 am (UTC)
Thanks. &hearts She gave me a good night last night, so I'm hoping for one tonight as well. I think that might be the problem, though: She gives me these good nights here and there, and then I expect them later on!