Give me your crack, your pr0n,
Your strangest pairings yearning to get it on.
The weirdest slashes in your dirty mind.
Bowtruckle/Vapormort--yeah, that kind.
Let unlikely pairings become entwined!

Dumbledore/Dobby? Been there, done that. Crabbe/Goyle? Yawn. Draco/Whomping Willow? Soooooooo 2005. It's time for some REAL crack, people.

You are hereby challenged to write the crackiest crack!pairings that ever cracked. We shall call this challenge "Get Crackin' 2006".

It all began when some Smallville fangirls landed themselves on Fandom_Wank after presenting Lex Luthor actor Michael Rosenbaum with a donation to charity, a hockey jersey, a shirt...oh, and a box of sex toys. gunderpants (aka theregoesmygun on JF) attempted to rejoice in the fact that it wasn't HP bringing teh crazeh this time (is there a Juris Imprudence law that all wanks lead to Harry Potter?), only to have JF user batshitinsane remind us all about the infamous Phelps twins anti-twincest sign-holding episode. I posted a picture, prompting a back-and-forth between me and darlingfox (okalintu on JF) that led to speculation as to whether there are any HP pairings that haven't yet been written.

The result?

darlingfox's brilliant and sexy Gryffindor Sword/Slytherin Locket ficlet. (Its original appearance on F_W is here.)

I responded with the following:

Love Between the Houses

Number Four, Privet Drive was a proper house, with a perfect paint job, spotless windows, and an interior so clean, so pure that it was as if not even a single person had trod across its doorstep.

What kind of business do I have with a rebel like Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, with its grimy windows, worn front steps, and oft-entered interior?, it thought to itself many times as it made the long, arduous trip from Surrey.

But when Numbers Eleven and Thirteen parted to reveal those sharp angles, that rough-hewn awning, Number Four, Privet Drive knew that the journey had been well worth it. It threw itself at Number Twelve, opening its front door slightly to allow the serpent-shaped door knocker access to its interior.

The two houses rocked against each other, gutters rubbing against gutters, gables moving in and out of open windows. From somewhere deep within, Number Four felt the heat in its furnace start to rise, and it gave a little shiver. Number Twelve responded by increasing the rhythm.

The one thing Number Four could always count on was control, and now it had none...and it didn't care. It pressed itself hard against Number Twelve...and with a series of shudders from its shutters, it came. And then, with a whoosh of air that blew through Number Four's open door, Number Twelve came as well...and then vanished into thin air.

Alone and spent, Number Four started to make its way back to Surrey.

(The original F_W version may be found here.)

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But more crack remains unwritten! For example, I suggested the following on the F_W thread:

Scabbers/Majorian
Hagrid/Mark Evans
The talking mirror at The Leaky Cauldron/Umbridge's bitch quill
A bowtruckle/Voldemort-under-Quirrell's-turban
The monster in Harry's chest/a pinch of Floo powder
Sir Cadogan/a bottle of Felix Felicis
Slughorn/crystallized pineapple (oh wait, that might be in canon)

But don't let these ideas limit you! The Potterverse is full of characters, creatures, inanimate objects, and spells that are all simply itching to GET IT ON.

Do you feel a Bezoar/Dementor plot bunny scratching at your door? Is the thought of sweet love between Harry's trainers and Tom Riddle's diary consuming your thoughts? When you lie down to go to sleep, do visions of Wingardium Leviosa/Crucio play in front of your closed eyelids?

If so, write it and comment to this post with a link.

GET CRACKIN'!