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28 February 2006 @ 08:53 pm
Crack!fic: "HermionePotter and the Triumph of Delusion"  
Title: HermionePotter and the Triumph of Delusion
Author: miss_sophia
Rating: R (downgraded from NC-17) for language, lots of crack, and a rampant case of innuendo
Pairings: Harry/Hermione, Harry/Snape, Harmonians/delusion
Summary: Now that the whole good vs. evil rubbish has been disposed of, Harry can finally pursue his real quest.

Disclaimer: The characters belong to JKR, the delusions belong to Harmony, and the snark belongs to me.

Author's Note: Inspired by this comment I made on Fandom_Wank and fellow wanka life_on_mars's request for an expanded version. I suppose I'm going to hell for this.

It was over. Voldemort had been defeated.

It hadn’t been easy, and there had been many casualties. Among others, Hagrid, Professor McGonagall, Lupin, Tonks, Viktor Krum, Lavender Brown, Nigel Creevey, and the big black guy who kept asking all the questions in Trelawney’s class third year had all lost their lives.

Oh, and Ron had died, too, but he had always been a fucking pansyass woman-abuser, and frankly Harry was glad to be rid of him.

That fucking whorecrux Ginny Weasley had also perished, but actually she had died several days before the end of the war, from about 87 varieties of venereal disease, one for each of the blokes whom she had invited into her Room of Requirement. Thank fucking Merlin the effect of the love potion she had slipped Harry had worn off before he had allowed his Philosopher’s Stones to come in contact with her Kneazle.

Now it was time for Harry to fulfill his real purpose in life: to Explode in Hermione’s Snap, to make his Gobstones spurt into her Entrance Hall, to send his Whizzing Worm into her Crookshanks.

"Hermione Caina Granger, I love you," breathed Harry as he caressed her silky brown hair. She grinned at him, showing her beautiful, straight, perfectly proportioned white teeth.

"I love you, too, Harry. I’ve loved you since I first laid eyes on you. Do you remember that day? We were on the Hogwarts Express…."

Hermione continued reminiscing, and Harry adjusted his own Hogwarts Express. It was nearly eleven o’clock, and his platform nine and three-quarters was crowded beyond the point of comfort. He had waited so long, and now it was time.

"Hermione," he groaned as she fondled his Pocket Sneakoscope with her Hand of Glory. "Hermione, I—"

"Not so fast, Potter." Harry looked up to see Snape standing in the doorway. The sight of his professor caused Harry’s tent to fold faster than the ones at the Quidditch World Cup had burned.

"Professor Snape," Harry gasped. "Can’t you see you’re intruding on a very private moment?"

"Oh, no doubt, Potter. I see that Miss Granger has mastered the use of her Put-Outer in record time. Miss Granger, you always were a…precocious student," Snape drawled silkily.

"Yes, well, Professor," said Hermione airily, "would you mind leaving us alone? I mean, thanks for helping kill Voldemort and all that, but…we’ve waited a very long time for this moment, and now that Harry and I are finally canon, we’d like to do the Hippogriff, and we don’t need you watching."

"I’m sorry to say, Miss Granger, that I cannot allow for this to happen, for I, too, have been waiting for Potter, and I will not allow you to come in the way of our love."

"Er—what?" sputtered Harry.

"You heard me correctly, Potter. I’ve longed to dip my wand in your cauldron for seven long years." Snape reached down and started stroking his Slytherin serpent. "My Remembralls have been burning bright red for you, Harry Potter, and I can’t pretend to forget this desire any longer. I must toss my parchment into your Goblet of Fire!"

Snape stalked across the room towards Harry, his robes swishing, and pulled Harry off of Hermione and into his own arms.

"Oh, Harry," he said, unsheathing Harry’s Gryffindor Sword in one swift motion. "I’ve been waiting so long to toss my Quaffle through your hoop, to tickle your Golden Snitch, to Beat your Bat, to send my Bludger straight into your—"

"Not so fast, Snape!"

Harry looked towards the door once again and saw a handsome, deranged-looking man standing there.

"Barty Crouch, Jr.!" Snape erupted. "What are you doing here? I thought the Dementors had sucked you dry."

Crouch looked confused. "Where did you get that idea? The last time I saw you, I was flicking my tongue as you brandished your wand in my face."

Snape, who still had his hand wrapped around Harry’s Gryffindor pride, furrowed his brow. "Well, then…if the Dementors didn’t Kiss you, then what happened?"

"After you showed me yours and I showed you mine—" Crouch paused for a moment as he adjusted his Winky "—I simply walked out of Hogwarts. Since I was a wanted man in the wizarding world, I decided to live amongst the Muggles for a while. I had no marketable skills, so I fell into the only profession available—"

"Prostitution?" asked Hermione, adjusting her robes to cover her Burrow.

"No, foolish Mudblood, acting. I got the title role in a Muggle television show called Dr. Who." Crouch flicked his tongue several times for good effect.

"Doctor who?" asked Snape as he fingered Harry’s boomslang skin.

"Yes," replied Crouch.

"No, Doctor who?" repeated Snape.

"Yes, Dr. Who," Crouch said again.

"No, what I want to know is—never mind. So what do you want, Crouch? Get on with it so that I can finally explore Mr. Potter’s cupboard under the stairs."

"That’s just it, Snape. I cannot allow your Prongs to get anywhere near Harry’s Moony." Crouch cleared his throat and then continued, "Hello, my name is Barty Crouch, Jr. You killed my master; prepare to die."

And before anyone could do anything, Crouch pointed his wand at Snape and ejaculated, "Avada Kedavra!" A flash of green light shot out of the tip of Crouch’s wand and hit Snape squarely in the chest. Snape’s body immediately became flaccid, and he dropped onto the ground.

Suddenly, there was a loud CRACK, and Harry looked over at the doorway to see Neville Longbottom standing there holding his toad, Trevor.

"Oh my god! Dr. Who killed Snarry!" Neville shouted.

Trevor the toad then croaked out something that sounded remarkably like, "You bastard!"

Then, with another deafening CRACK, both Neville and Trevor disappeared into thin air. Crouch grabbed Snape’s limp body and dragged it out of the room, and Harry found himself alone with Hermione.

"Well…now that that’s all over…," said Harry, pulling out his lunascope and crystal balls as he approached Hermione once more.

"Harry," she breathed as he stood over her. "There’s just one thing you should know before we explore each other’s Forbidden Forests."

"What’s that, my love?"

"Well," said Hermione, "it’s just that my Slytherin locket’s never been opened before, so I—I’m a bit nervous."

Harry smiled down at her. "Don’t worry, Hermione," he said as he gently pried open her Vanishing Cabinet and began to tickle it with his sugar quill. "I won’t hurt you."

Harry’s Parseltongue then opened Hermione’s Chamber of Secrets, and before the cock could crow, his Basilisk was sliding through her plumbing.

Current Mood: snarky
Current Music: The Weird Sisters, "Do the Hippogriff"
Jolocked_door998 on March 1st, 2006 02:21 am (UTC)
You shipped the Harmonians with their own delusion! Like shipping Harry with his own hand! Except with less pr0n!

You're right - why bother with canon when fanon's the one with the pr0n?

Jolocked_door998 on March 1st, 2006 02:25 am (UTC)
You're a genius, by the way.

(no subject) - miss_sophia on March 1st, 2006 02:34 am (UTC) (Expand)
Peej: sunsetmistyraven on March 1st, 2006 02:40 am (UTC)
omfg, that's so... wrong, yet absolutely hilarious O.O Innuendo overload... ach... *dies of loffter*
bookbug87 on March 1st, 2006 02:49 am (UTC)

OMB, brilliant! (horrifying and deeply disturbing, probably going to give me nightmares for months, but brilliant)

Khym Chanurkhym_chanur on March 1st, 2006 03:08 am (UTC)
The euphamisms and metaphors! "Oh my god! Dr. Who killed Snarry!" Hahahahahahaha- *gasp* *gasp*
From the land between Wake and Dream.: Farm Boysea_thoughts on March 1st, 2006 03:09 am (UTC)
I think my brain just crashed from reading that even though it was hilarious. Especially the Doctor Who thing. Oh yes. And The Princess Bride nod. EXCELLENT.
Eriyuravenwolf_zero on March 4th, 2006 01:09 am (UTC)
Ah, so that was Priness Bride! I thought I might have ben imagining things.

(Very very awesome fic. My face is sufficiently red. ^^)
Margo! Boxcar! Saturn!chocolatepot on March 1st, 2006 03:21 am (UTC)


Dr. Who killed Snarry!

That was just ... the innuendo ... you are brilliant.
kressel: holidaykressel on March 1st, 2006 03:49 am (UTC)

I hope you don't mind, but I don't read innuendo.
Miss Sophia: Srslymiss_sophia on March 1st, 2006 03:52 am (UTC)
Oh, no problem at all. I figured you probably wouldn't, and I thought of you when I was writing the warning. :)
(no subject) - kressel on March 1st, 2006 03:54 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - miss_sophia on March 1st, 2006 04:01 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kressel on March 1st, 2006 04:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - miss_sophia on March 1st, 2006 04:08 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - kressel on March 1st, 2006 04:14 am (UTC) (Expand)
(Anonymous) on March 1st, 2006 05:34 am (UTC)

Just... wow. XD

If I could pick a favorite euphemism, I'd quote it, but they all had me cracking up.

nlb_muffin @ jf
The Cee Monstersagacious_c on March 1st, 2006 06:41 am (UTC)

You are a true Master and Genius of All Things Crack.
pick poppies: HP / Ron WTFtipsytoe on March 1st, 2006 07:59 am (UTC)
Great BOB.

This is fucking genius. I bow down to the Queen of CRAX(fic). :D
ex_jo_blogs on March 1st, 2006 01:35 pm (UTC)
Total Genius. That is all.
rotten_fishrotten_fish on March 1st, 2006 05:17 pm (UTC)
Via HMS STFU - I loved it!
So many horrible, horrible euphenisms... I was cringing. Honestly. So, so much wrongness...

And I thought you said 'fucking' too much in too little of amount of space. And what, no 'bitch ass crack whore' Ginny? That's like the BEST Ginny-bashing insult evar! =(

It was very, very clever. I honestly don't think I'll be able to look at (::scrolls through objects mentioned::) anything in the HP world the same again. Kudos to you! This is definitely going into memories.

I may make icons - if I do, I'll link you - because 'Do the Hippogriff' and 'My Remembralls have been burning bright red for you' are too awesome to ignore.

Again, excellent!
Miss Sophia: Srslymiss_sophia on March 1st, 2006 10:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Via HMS STFU - I loved it!
Thank you! :) Ooh, do link to icons if you make them. :D
A Unified Theory of Everythingdaylightsparks on March 1st, 2006 05:26 pm (UTC)
via HMS STFU, also
Oh man... can't... stop... laughing...

I can't pick just one favorite euphemism, but "Harry adjusted his own Hogwarts Express" made me laugh the hardest. I also think "whorecrux" should be an icon.

Brilliant stuff.
Jonn Wood: Defective human, return to factory: whatmcity on March 1st, 2006 09:24 pm (UTC)
*iz ded from crack*
melandry on March 1st, 2006 10:33 pm (UTC)
another from the_hms_stfu
Your innuendo wins the HP fandom.

I hope there will be icons. I may have to make some of them myself, if that's acceptable.
Miss Sophia: Srslymiss_sophia on March 1st, 2006 10:55 pm (UTC)
Re: another from the_hms_stfu
Thank you! :) Icons are most acceptable!

*is still somewhat of a fandom n00b and is proud to have inspired iconage*

Please pass them on to me if you do make them; I have no icon-making skillz whatsoever.
Iconses - melandry on March 2nd, 2006 12:10 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Iconses - miss_sophia on March 2nd, 2006 12:32 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Iconses - melandry on March 2nd, 2006 02:00 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Iconses - miss_sophia on March 2nd, 2006 02:17 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Iconses - melandry on March 2nd, 2006 02:53 am (UTC) (Expand)